About Jennifer Haydock | In Jennifer’s words
I know what it feels like to want to be truthful and honest with others, but to feel simultaneously terrified and paralyzed by fear. And just when you think you’ve built the courage to show up in the world and express your truth, other people make judgments for being who you are because they’re not used to it. As a result, you continue to hide your truth from them, at the expense of your own happiness, and it seems as if you are forever tormented by the question: how could they ever get to know the REAL you?
I am all too familiar with the experience of having everything in my life look good on paper, but feeling completely scattered. On the outside, it looked like things were aligning for me: I was being the perfect counselling psychology student, I received good marks, great feedback from my professors, and praise for my hardwork from my family and friends.
On the inside, however, I felt like things were exploding: my inner dialogue was not gentle, compassionate or caring. I was hypercritical towards myself, fueled by self-judgment and doubt. At the end of the day, I was lying to myself, pretending to be happy when I was not. I hid behind this facade until I was seen in my toxic positivity and my ego got caught.
It began with raising MY standards. I began to say no to others so I can say HELL YES to me. I gave myself permission to be angry when I felt like things were unjust, and I learned to express my anger to others in a healthy way. I began to accept ALL of my feelings, learned to identify my needs and pledge allegiance to them, because I was willing to live the truth that it is okay for me to put myself first above all else. Because at the end of the day, I saw the value in not giving a f*ck about what other people think.
Stepping into my sovereign power as a healer, I decide where I’m going, and I know what matters and what doesn’t.
As fierce as this sounds, it also feels so soft and true in my body and it’s given me access to the inner power I had been looking for.